


I Don't Know How

by my_mad_fatuation



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-22
Packaged: 2018-07-14 07:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7160558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_mad_fatuation/pseuds/my_mad_fatuation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Archie, Finn, Chop and Izzy are in a band at uni together and Rae develops a crush.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Rae was in love.   
The minute he stepped onto that stage, she knew.   
First of all, he was completely adorable with his thick-rimmed glasses and his hair that unintentionally stood up a little at the back. Plus, he was the front man of a band; it doesn’t get much sexier than that.  
The band had a very nineties Britpop sound that Rae enjoyed, but mostly she was just mesmerized by this boy whose name she didn’t even know.  
“Who is that?” she asked Chloe, leaning closer so she could be heard over the music.  
“Who’s who?”  
“The guy with the guitar who’s singing. Who is he?”  
“Oh, that’s Archie,” said Chloe.  
Rae was only here because Chloe had insisted she see her friends’ band. Rae thought it would be a good way to get to know her new flatmate a little better, since she hadn’t really made any friends in her first year. Though she was a little reluctant to go. Most nineteen-year-olds’ bands kind of sucked.  
However, this music was pretty good, and the eye candy wasn’t too bad either.  
“He seems cool,” she said.  
“Yeah, he is,” replied Chloe. “I’ll introduce you afterwards.”  
“Cool.” Rae tried to seem like she didn’t really care even though inside she was doing flips.  
The crowd dissipated after the band performed their last song, and they joined Rae and Chloe at a table in the corner. Chloe congratulated them before introducing everybody.  
The girl on drums, that was Izzy. She was tiny but she seemed like she could pack a punch. The guy on bass was called Chop—Rae wasn’t sure if that was his real name or not. The lead guitarist was Finn, who barely even acknowledged her existence. And, of course, on rhythm guitar and vocals was Archie.  
“Hi, nice to meet you,” he said as he shook Rae’s hand.  
“Yeah, hi,” she said shyly.  
God, he was even more attractive up close. In Rae’s experience, that almost never happened. And when he smiled…forget it. She was gone.  
“I think I’ve seen you around campus,” said Izzy. “But I didn’t know you knew Chloe.”  
“We just got to know each other this year,” Chloe explained. “I needed a new flatmate since you moved out to live with Chop, remember?”  
“Oh, you’re the new flatmate!” Izzy said to Rae.  
Rae smiled awkwardly. “Yep.”  
“A word of advice,” said Archie. “Whatever you do, don’t drink the last of her Ribena. She will bite your head off.”  
Chloe swatted him on the shoulder.  
“I won’t,” Rae said with a laugh.  
Ah, gorgeous, musically gifted, and funny—the sexiness trifecta.   
“Are we getting more drinks or what?” said Chop.  
“Actually, Rae and I should get going,” Chloe replied. “We’ve got a quiz in Psychology tomorrow morning.”  
Oh, right. Rae had forgotten about that. (That probably wasn’t a good sign, was it?)  
“Are you coming out with us on Saturday, then?” Izzy asked the other girls.  
“I am,” said Chloe. “I dunno what Rae wants to do—“  
“I’ll come,” said Rae. She couldn’t tell if Chloe was disappointed or if that was just her face. “What’s happening Saturday?”  
“We’re only going clubbing, is what’s happening!” Chop said excitedly.  
“What, like going out dancing?” she asked.  
“We’re going to pre-drink at our place and then go tear up the floorboards to some terrible techno.”  
“Cool,” she said hesitantly.   
Rae loved dancing. Alone. She’d close her bedroom door and crank some tunes while no one was home, but she wasn’t so sure about going out and dancing with other people.  
Despite having found the Fat Acceptance community online this past year where she learned to be kinder to herself and her body, she was still fairly self-conscious about it. Dancing in front of people she barely knew was not high on her list of Things She’d Like To Do. But it was probably up there on her list of Things She Should Just Get Over Herself And Do Anyway.  
“Come over ‘round eight, ‘right?” said Chop.  
“We’ll be there,” said Chloe as she picked up her jacket to leave.  
“It was nice to meet you, Rae,” Archie said with a smile.  
Rae smiled back nervously and stood up, despite her legs feeling like jelly. She followed Chloe out.  
“They were nice,” she said.  
“Yeah, they’re pretty cool,” said Chloe.  
“So, is it alright if I come along on Saturday, then?”  
“You were invited, weren’t you?”  
“Yeah, but they’re your friends, so I don’t want to impose…”  
“Don’t be silly, of course you can come.”  
“Thanks,” Rae said with a small smile.  
***  
Rae and Chloe got to Chop and Izzy’s flat just after eight on Saturday night. Archie and Finn weren’t there yet.  
“Archie’s still coming, right?” Rae said quietly to Chloe.  
She raised an eyebrow at her. “Yeah, why?”  
“Just wondering.”  
Izzy made them each a Sonic Screwdriver while they waited for the others. It was kind of disgusting but Rae drank it anyway. (It also made it easier for when they started drinking straight vodka.)  
The other boys arrived having pre-pre-drunk.   
“Evening, ladies,” Archie said as he sauntered in. “And Chop.”  
“My, don’t you look dapper tonight,” said Chloe. “Trying to impress someone?”  
“You never know,” he said with a shrug. He turned to Rae. “Good to see ya again.”  
Rae just smiled because she had forgotten how to use mouth-words.   
They headed out after a couple more drinks. The place was moderately full when they arrived, but not packed. Despite the music being fairly generic, Rae found herself bopping her head to the beat. (Maybe she was a little drunk.)  
“Rae’s got the right idea!” said Archie. He grabbed her hand and pulled her out onto the floor. “Come on!”  
She couldn’t believe it. She was dancing with her One True Love. Alright, so the others had joined them and they were all sort of dancing in a group, but still. Magical.  
Rae noticed it was starting to get pretty warm in there. She was a little jealous of Chloe. Chloe was able to dance around in a sleeveless dress, meanwhile Rae was stuck rolling up the sleeves of her hoodie because she was too afraid to bare her arms in a t-shirt. Hell, even Grumpy Old Finn had tied his flannel shirt around his waist and was wearing just a vest top.  
And then, well, there was Archie. He was wearing a fitted short-sleeved button-down with rolled cuffs that was clinging to him in patches of sweat. (She was hoping maybe he’d take it off and she could bring it home with her.)  
“Come on, girls,” said Chloe, tugging on Rae and Izzy’s sleeves.  
“Where are we going?” asked Rae.  
“Toilets.”  
Rae discovered that going to the toilets really meant that Chloe wanted to fix her makeup and talk about boys.  
“I think I’ve found my target for tonight,” she said. “You know that guy in the corner by the bar?”  
“The one with the beard and the tattoo sleeves?” said Rae.  
“No, not him. The guy next to him with the really short hair.”  
“Okay, yeah. He’s your target? What does that mean?”  
“It means she’s going to try and get him to buy her drinks,” said Izzy.  
“Is there anyone that interests you, Rae?” said Chloe as she touched up her lipstick.  
“I dunno about that,” said Rae. “I guess, I dunno… Archie seems kind of cool…”  
The other girls exchanged glances.  
“You know he’s gay, right?” said Chloe.  
“What?”  
“Haven’t you seen the way he dresses?”  
“Just because a guy is fashionable doesn’t mean he’s gay.”  
“Okay, let’s put it this way: He sleeps with men.”  
“Oh,” said Rae. “Is that why he lives with Finn?”  
Chloe laughed. “No, they’re just mates. Finn’s as straight as an arrow.”  
“Arrows are pretty flexible, actually, so—“ Rae began.  
“You know what I mean.”  
The girls got back out onto the dance floor and met up with Finn and Chop.  
“Where’s Archie?” said Chloe.  
“Over there talking to some guy,” Finn said, pointing towards the guy with the short hair standing by the bar.  
“Oh, sorry, Chloe,” said Izzy, stroking Chloe on the back.  
***  
They left just after last call, and Archie was practically falling down drunk. Finn half-carried him to the bus where he let Archie lean against his shoulder for the ride.  
“We’re almost home, buddy,” Finn said, patting Archie on the head.  
Sweet Jesus, was that ever adorable.   
Rae sat across from them on the bus and watched as Finn took care of his friend. She hadn’t noticed before because she’d been so distracted by Archie, but Finn was fucking hot. Sitting there in his sweaty vest top, with his toned arms and his eyebrows that just wouldn’t quit…  
“Alright, this is our stop,” he said, lifting Archie to his feet. “Laters,” he said to the rest of them. He glanced at Rae before disembarking.  
As she watched him get off the bus, she knew.  
Rae was in love.


	2. Chapter 2

Finn Nelson.  
That had to be him. He was the only Finn among Chloe’s Facebook friends. His profile picture was too small to make out until Rae clicked on it, but sure enough, it was him.  
She wasn’t able to see the rest of his profile, however, unless she friended him, which she felt weird about doing. She’d met him, what, two times? As far as she could recall, he’d never even said any actual words directly to her.  
Did anyone even use Facebook anymore, anyway?   
What she really needed to do was find out if he had an Instagram account or something and ~~stalk~~  follow him there. But how was Rae supposed to find it?  
She was distracted by a knock on her bedroom door. “Yeah?”  
Chloe came in. “We’re all going to get breakfast, if you wanted to come.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yeah, come on, get dressed.”  
“Chloe?” Rae said when Chloe was about to leave. “Do you follow them all on Instagram? Only, I was just wondering if any of ‘em had posted pictures from last night, is all.”  
“I’m pretty sure Izzy did.” Chloe pulled out her iPhone. “Here, I’ll tag them in a comment for you and you can check for yourself.”  
“No, that’s okay, really—"  
“Done!”  
Rae’s phone made a “boop” on the nightstand. She picked it up and saw the comment from Chloe on one of her latest photos. It was a picture of a weird-looking bird Rae had seen on campus. Now the others were going to be wondering why they’d been tagged on a photo of a random bird.  
She clicked on Finn’s account—finn_nelson96, original—but the bastard had set it to private. She went back and followed everyone else’s accounts, which were all public, by the way, and then hesitated over his. If she was following all of them, he wouldn’t think it was weird for her to request to follow him as well, right?  
Her phone “booped” again.  
“OMG, what a cute bird!” Izzy had commented on Rae’s photo.  
***  
Rae and Chloe met up with the others for breakfast a short while later.  
“Ugh, I can’t even think about food,” Archie said as they entered the restaurant.  
“Don’t worry, the stuff here doesn’t resemble food,” said Finn, patting him on the back.  
Chloe scrunched her nose. “Why’d we have to come to McDonald’s?”   
“It’s all some of us can afford, alright?” Chop replied impatiently.  
They ordered their food and/or beverages and sat down, taking over two tables next to each other.  
“Alright, so, verdict on last night?” said Chop.  
Archie groaned.  
“Besides him.”  
“Well, I had fun,” said Izzy. She looked at the other girls. “Right?”  
“Yeah, it was fun,” said Rae.  
“It would have been more fun if we weren’t both after gay guys, though, right, Rae?” Chloe said to her. She flashed a smile at Archie.  
Rae worried for a moment that Chloe was going to tell him that she’d fancied him, and that would have been humiliating for a few reasons: one, she didn’t (really) fancy him anymore; two, she felt stupid for not realizing he was gay sooner; and three, she sort of fancied someone else at the table…  
“What have I got to do with it?” Archie said.  
“You were chatting up my target.”  
“Oh, him. Whatever.” He took a sip of his coffee. “He just wanted a BJ in the men’s toilets, so you dodged a bullet with that one.”  
“Ew, thanks.”  
“Oh my god, did you?” Rae asked him incredulously.   
He frowned at her. “Of course not!”  
“As if that’s so much worse than the things you have done, Arch,” said Chloe, rolling her eyes.  
“Hey, two can play that game, alright?” he replied.  
She shook her shoulders like she didn’t care.  
“Why the fuck have I been tagged on this photo of a crazy pigeon?” said Chop, looking at his phone.  
Rae tried to hide her face.  
“Oh, I just tagged you all so Rae could find you and see any photos you posted from last night,” Chloe explained.  
“Finn posted a good one with you in it, Rae,” said Izzy. “Have you seen it?”  
“No, I haven’t looked,” said Rae. She didn’t want to say that it was because he hadn’t accepted her request yet. She glanced at Finn who was looking at his phone as well, but she accidentally caught his eye and he looked away quickly.  
“Well, you’re just sort of in the background,” Izzy added. “But you look like you’re having fun.”  
Rae heard her phone “boop” in her pocket. She checked and saw that she had a notification that she’d been tagged in a photo. It was a photo of Izzy and Chop posing, with Chloe and Rae dancing in the background. Posted ten hours ago by finn_nelson96.  
She liked it and then clicked on his profile. She could see all his photos now. He mostly posted photos of his friends, and he was rarely in them, which was a little disappointing to her. His only “selfies” were always with another person. There was one where he was smiling cheek to cheek with some girl Rae didn’t know and it made her feel irrationally jealous.  
She looked up from her phone and realized that everyone else was staring at his or her own, so she stood up and took a picture of all of them.   
“You guys are hilarious,” she said.  
They looked up at her and she showed them the picture on her phone.  
“Aw, that’s cute,” said Izzy. “Can you send it to me?”  
“Sure, gimme your number,” said Rae, handing Izzy her phone.  
“Why don’t you just send it to me and then I can send it to everyone?” said Chloe as she intercepted the phone.  
Rae pulled it back. “Well, why don’t I just send it to everyone myself?”  
“Because I already have everyone’s numbers.”  
“I don’t mind giving Rae my number,” said Izzy, reaching out her hand. Rae handed her the phone and she put her number in. “Here, hon,” she said to Chop when she passed the phone to him.  
Chop put his number in and passed it on to Archie who did the same and then passed it onto Finn. He paused for a moment and Rae was worried he really didn’t want her to have his number, but then he started typing. He spun the phone around and handed it back to her.  
She took it without making eye contact and immediately sent the photo to all of them.  
“This is so us,” Archie said, looking at his phone. He looked up. “I mean, we’re doing it again right now.”  
They all set their phones down sheepishly. All of them except Rae. She was too busy trying to memorize Finn’s number, just in case somehow it accidentally got erased from her phone. She was going to cherish it forever.  
She probably wasn’t going to use it again, however. She couldn’t think of a single (plausible) reason why she would ever need to text him specifically, a situation where she couldn’t text someone else instead.  
Well, if she were a girl like Chloe, she could use it to flirt with him. Girls like Chloe could flirt with anyone. Rae had never learned how to flirt because she figured there was no point. The only guys that seemed interested in her were creepers anyway, so she’d just accepted that guys like Finn were out of the question.  
It still didn’t stop her from being madly in love with him, though.  
But she was willing to settle for stalking his Instagram and memorizing the curves of the digits of his mobile number. (Even his number was sexy—so many eights.)  
In fact, she was still admiring it once she was back in her room when a message from that number popped up.   
She opened it and saw that it was an image: a photo of her sitting in McDonald’s on her phone. He must have taken it while she was studying his number because she had major concentration face going on.  
“Gotcha,” he wrote.  
Oh, finn_nelson96…


	3. Chapter 3

Rae had a secret. Nineteen years old and she had never kissed a boy.  
You’d think, having come from a small town, she would have because, really, what else is there to do as a teenager in a small town than snog boys, right? Except she had no social life to speak of beyond the Internet.  
This is not to say that she’d never kissed anyone. She’d kissed a girl on a dare at a sleepover once. It was pretty awkward, though, and she figured it didn’t really count because one, she was drunk at the time, and two, she wasn’t interested in girls, as far as she knew.  
She really needed to kiss a boy. And she knew which boy she’d like to kiss, of course, but she didn’t see that happening in this lifetime. Not without some sort of miracle, anyway.  
She found his latest post on Instagram: a photo of him with a beer in his hand and his arm around Archie, who was mid-drink and looking annoyed that his picture was being taken. It was from their show last night that Rae couldn’t attend due to having a huge paper to finish.  
She wanted to like the photo, but she didn’t want him to think she was Internet-stalking him—which she totally was. But liking one photo was fine, right? It would only be weird if she started liking twenty of them in a row…  
She liked it quickly before she lost her nerve and scrolled through the rest of his photos, even though she’d already looked at them five billion times.  
A notification popped up a minute later.  
“finn_nelson96 liked your photo.”  
Aw, he did reciprocal likes. That was sweet.  
She went to check which photo he liked—the weird bird, probably—and found that it was one of her (far too many) selfies. Specifically a “fatshion” OOTD showing off her latest band tee. She was mortified. Now she was going to have to explain what “fatshion” was and why she even bothered doing OOTD photos when she always wore a variation of the same outfit. (It’s all about the fat representation in media, folks!)  
Wait, maybe he just liked the band on her shirt—he was into music after all. Maybe he didn’t notice the hashtags she’d used. Maybe he even picked a photo at random just as a courtesy. Maybe it wasn’t so bad.  
“finn_nelson96 liked your photo.”  
“finn_nelson96 liked your photo.”  
“finn_nelson96 liked your photo.”  
What? He kept liking her photos. He was like-spamming her. The only people who ever did that were other fatshion-loving ladies, or really creepy fat-fetish guys.  
But the photos he liked were all random. Some were of her, some were of scenery, and one was a Starbucks cup. Clearly he wasn’t paying attention to what he was doing. Maybe he was just scrolling through and his finger slipped. Multiple times.  
“Has your IG account been hacked?” she texted him.  
“No, why?” he responded shortly.  
“You keep liking my photos.”  
“Yeah.”  
She waited to see if he had more to say. “That’s pretty random.”  
“Sorry,” he said. “You take good photos.”  
“Oh. Thanks. So do you.” Which was true, he did. She even liked the one with her in the background, and she never liked any pictures of herself. (That didn’t stop her from posting them, of course.)  
“Where were you last night?” he asked.  
“I had a paper.”  
“We missed you.”  
Rae’s stomach twisted itself into a knot with a bow. He’d missed her? Le sigh.  
“We could have used you there to bolster our numbers. Make it look like we have fans.”  
Oh, that’s what he meant. “Lol,” she replied, though she was not amused.  
“Are you coming on Friday?”  
Her dirty mind immediately came up with about seven smart remarks, but she just wrote, “Sure.”  
This was the most she had ever communicated with him and she didn’t want it to end, but he didn’t respond after several minutes.  
“Details?” she pressed.  
It was a couple more minutes before he texted her the time and location, by which point she figured their conversation was essentially dead.  
***  
“How was last night?” Rae asked Chloe when she got back from class.  
“It was pretty good,” Chloe said. “There weren’t a lot of people, though.”  
“Yeah, sorry I couldn’t make it.”  
“You know who was asking where you were?” Chloe raised an eyebrow.  
Rae held her breath.  
“Archie.”  
“Oh,” said Rae, exhaling glumly.   
“I thought you liked Archie.”  
“I do, he’s great, it’s just, you know, more exciting if it were a straight guy asking about me.”  
“What, like Finn?”  
“I didn’t say that!”  
“Who d’you mean, then?”  
“No one, I wasn’t talking about anyone in particular. It was just a general statement.”  
“Alright,” said Chloe, but she didn’t seem convinced. “You’d better be there Friday, anyway.”  
“I will.”  
***  
Rae spent over an hour picking out which band-tee/denim-skirt/leggings combo she was going to wear to the show Friday night. She settled on an Oasis shirt because she figured they must like Oasis, what with their Britpop influences. (Plus Finn had already liked a photo of her wearing it, so…)  
She and Chloe arrived shortly before the band was supposed to play, so they grabbed a drink with Chop and Izzy—the others weren’t even there yet.  
“He’s always running late,” said Chop. “I think it’s all that primping.”  
“Just because Archie’s gay doesn’t mean he primps all the time,” said Izzy, giving him a smack.  
“I was talking about Finn.” He looked up just as the other boys walked in. “Speak of the devil.”  
“Sorry we’re a little late,” said Archie. “Hey, Rae, good to see ya.”  
“Hi, Archie,” Rae said with a nod. “Finn.”  
Finn flicked his eyebrows but didn’t even look at her. It was as if she didn’t even exist to him in person.  
“So, do you guys still get nervous when you go onstage?” Rae asked before taking a sip of her drink.  
“Nah,” said Chop.  
“Always,” said Archie at the same time.  
“I try not to think about it too much,” said Izzy.  
Rae looked at Finn expectantly, hoping to engage him in the conversation, but he was too distracted by his phone. She pulled out her own and started texting him.  
“Earth to Finn.”  
He glanced up at her for a moment then returned to his phone. “What?” he wrote back.  
“I asked if you still get nervous before you go onstage.”  
“Of course I do. Why else do you think I’m not talking to anyone?”  
“Because you’re a jerk.” She looked up at him and thought she caught a glimpse of a reluctant smile. She turned her attention back to her phone before he caught her looking at him.  
“I like your shirt,” he wrote.  
She looked down at her shirt and then picked up her drink to hide the fact that she felt like she was blushing. He liked her shirt, which meant he’d been looking at her shirt, which meant he’d been looking at her chest, which meant…  
No, she was reading way too much into that. He obviously just meant that he likes Oasis, not her boobs. Calm the fuck down, Rae.  
“Finn, come on.”  
Rae looked up to see Archie standing with his hand on Finn’s shoulder.  
“We’re up in ten,” he said.  
The band got up to get ready, leaving Chloe and Rae alone at their table.  
“Who were you talking to?” Chloe asked.  
“What d’you mean?” said Rae.  
“You’ve been zoned out on your phone for the last ten minutes.”  
“Oh, no one.”  
“I thought maybe it was a boy,” Chloe added, raising her eyebrows.  
“What?” Rae forced a laugh. “No.”  
“You’re blushing.”  
“No, I’m not, it’s just warm in here.”  
“You don’t have a boyfriend, do you, Rae?” Chloe said knowingly.  
“So? Neither do you.”  
“What makes you say that?”  
“You’re always looking for a ‘target’ when we go out.”  
Chloe smiled ambiguously.  
“Who is it, then?” Rae asked. (Please not Finn, she thought.)  
“He’s not really my boyfriend.” Chloe leaned back in her seat. “He’s just a guy I hang out with sometimes…”  
“Do I know him?” (Please not Finn!)  
“Doubt it.”  
Rae was relieved, to say the least. “Well, that’s cool.” Her phone buzzed in her hand.  
“Wish us luck,” Finn had texted her.  
She saw him standing next to the stage area waiting to go on. “Luck,” she replied.  
His response left her unable to breathe for a moment. He had sent her a kissy face emoji. Holy shit! What did this mean? What did he—  
“Whoops,” he added, with an asterisk and a sticking-out tongue emoji.  
“Haha.”  
Rae had a secret. That was the closest she’d ever come to kissing a boy.


	4. Chapter 4

Rae could not understand Finn.  
He would interact with her online, he would text her, he would send her emojis… but he would hardly acknowledge her IRL. She’d managed to get a “Hey” out of him one time, and occasionally a nod in recognition when she greeted him.  
Meanwhile she and Archie were already greeting each other with hugs and cheek-kisses and ass-grabs. She thought Archie was great, of course, but she would have liked it if a straight guy also wanted to hug and kiss her. (And maybe grab her ass, when appropriate.)  
It didn’t necessarily have to be Finn—she knew that was a long shot at best. She really only had two criteria for finding a boyfriend: one, he had to be physically present, and two, he had to be not creepy. Unfortunately, pretty much all the guys who showed any interest in her were zero for two.  
(“You’re gorgeous,” one random guy commented on one of her selfies. He only posted pictures of bears. Just bears. WTF?)  
Finn was, like, halfway there. He was technically physically present, but he’d have to actually talk to her in person if they were to date. (As if!) But he didn’t seem creepy, per se, just a little odd.  
“How did it go?” he texted her on her way home from an exam.  
“I think I did alright,” she replied.   
“I’m sure you did.”  
“You have one tomorrow, right?”  
“Yeah. 20thC Phil. It’s all fucking Foucault.”  
“I don’t know what that means.”  
“Not important. We should celebrate tomorrow night.”  
 _YES PLEASE,_ she thought. “I guess.”  
“The ‘Taps on campus at 5:30?”  
“See you there.”  
***  
This wasn’t a date. This couldn’t be a date. They couldn’t even have a verbal conversation together, there was no way this was a date. Except…  
What if it was?  
She wore the Oasis shirt she knew he liked and a tiny bit of makeup—not enough to be noticeable, just enough to bring out her eyes.  
The bus to campus was running late. Rae texted to let Finn know she was on her way. She got there at quarter to six and began scanning the place for him. She stopped when she caught a glimpse of someone’s hair that looked like Chloe’s. No. It couldn’t be.  
It was.  
The whole gang was seated around a table in the corner when Rae joined them.  
“You made it,” said Chloe as Rae sat down.  
“Yeah,” Rae said, and greeted everyone.  
Finn gave her a small nod.   
Ugh, why did she like him so much? This whole nonverbal thing was really annoying, especially when she knew he could talk to other people.  
Also, when he asked her to celebrate with him, he didn’t make it clear that it was a whole group thing, did he? She looked through her phone log. “We should celebrate,” is what he had said. Sort of vague.  
“Rae.”  
She looked up to see that Finn was talking to her. He was looking directly at her and talking to her. “What?”  
“I said, do you want some?” He lifted the pitcher of beer that was on the table.  
“Oh, uh, sure, thanks,” she said.  
He poured some into a glass and handed it to her. Her fingers grazed his when she took the glass, which was all she could think about in that moment, though he seemed not to notice.  
But he had talked to her. With his face. It was extraordinary.  
“You know what we should do tonight?” said Izzy. “Karaoke!”  
The boys groaned.  
“Archie, you’re a singer,” said Rae.  
“Yeah, but karaoke is so pathetic,” Archie replied.  
“Just drink until it’s fun,” Chloe suggested.  
“I’ll go, but I’m not performing,” said Finn, shaking his head.  
“We’ll see,” said Chloe with a smirk.  
***  
“You both have to come up with me,” Izzy pleaded to Chloe and Rae.  
They’d had a couple more drinks, so the three girls went up and sang Spice Girls’ “Stop” and were received with howling laughter and applause.  
They took their seats and the guys were shaking their heads, but laughing.  
“You took my song,” Chop joked.  
“Rae, you were really good,” said Archie.  
“Yeah, alright,” Rae replied, rolling her eyes.  
“No, really, you can sing.”  
“Gee, thanks,” said Chloe.  
“No offense, but Rae sang circles around the two of you.” He turned his attention back to Rae. “You should go up by yourself and do one.”  
Rae laughed. “I don’t think so.”  
“I will if you will?” he offered.  
“You sing in a band, it’s not embarrassing enough for you,” she said. She glanced at Finn. “I will if Finn does.”   
He looked up and she bit the inside of her cheek to keep from grinning. “What? What’s happening?” he said, looking confused.  
“Rae says she’ll do a solo if you do one,” Archie told him, putting a hand on his back.  
“No way.”  
Rae shrugged and took a drink.  
“Come on,” said Archie as he tapped Finn on the shoulder obnoxiously.  
Finn breathed in loudly and let it out with a huff. “Alright, let’s go,” he said to Rae, standing up. He walked over to the sign up area to pick a song and she followed.  
They each flipped through a binder of song options and she selected her song. He stopped and scanned her for a moment before writing down his choice and submitting it as well, then joined the others back at the table.  
There were a few more people before Rae was called, but she took a big gulp of her drink as she got up. She stepped up onto the small raised platform and took the mic. The music began and her friends started laughing. She could barely keep a straight face.  
“When I wake up, well I know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you,” she sang, putting on a terrible Scottish accent.  
By the chorus, half the audience had joined in. “I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.”  
“Still think I’m such a good singer?” she said to Archie when she sat back down.  
Chloe had tears in her eyes from laughing so hard. Even Finn had cracked a smile.  
Finn was called next, and his smile vanished. He looked nervous, to say the least. He took a huge gulp of his drink as well and got up.  
When he got there the music started and Rae could feel herself turn pink. She looked down at her shirt and then back up at him.  
“Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you,” he sang. “By now, you should’ve somehow realized what you’ve gotta do.”  
He was not bad, she thought. He wasn’t an amazing singer or anything, but he could carry a tune decently enough.  
She couldn’t help but think, however, that he’d chosen this song for her… Maybe he was just inspired by her shirt. But maybe he thought she’d like it. It was, after all, her favourite Oasis song. (Though how would he know that?)  
“I didn’t think you’d actually do it,” said Archie when Finn sat back down.  
“Worth it,” said Finn, casting a half-smile over at Rae.  
***  
Rae was exhausted by the time she and Chloe got home. She went straight to bed without taking off her makeup. (Bad, Rae!)  
She had just taken her phone out of her pocket to set on her nightstand when it buzzed in her hand.  
“Sorry about tonight,” Finn had texted her.  
“Sorry for what?”   
“Sorry for kicking your ass at karaoke.”  
“Ha, you wish.”  
He didn’t respond so she took off her jeans and got into bed. Her phone buzzed again.  
“What are you doing?” he wrote.  
“Lying in bed texting you.” She waited a minute. “Why? What are you doing?”  
“Lying in bed texting you.”  
She felt her blood rush to her face. He was talking to her—thinking about her—in bed. In. Bed. Let that sink in.  
“I can’t sleep though,” he added. “I’m too wired.”  
“Yeah, me too,” she lied.  
“So.”  
“So?”  
“What are you wearing?”  
“Lol. Go to sleep.”  
“Goodnight.”  
“Night.”  
She just could not understand that boy.


	5. Chapter 5

“What are you wearing?” became Rae and Finn’s way of saying, “Hi, I’m bored, talk to me,” via text.  
“A tutu and Groucho glasses,” she would say.  
“Bike helmet and a Speedo,” he would say.  
They tried to one-up each other on the silliness every time. That is, until one night Rae ran out of funny answers.  
“A threadbare housecoat,” she replied as she sat down on her bed.  
“And?”  
“That’s it. I just got out of the shower.”  
“Are you serious?”  
“Yeah.”  
“That’s not fair.”  
“What’s not fair?”  
“You can’t tell me what you’re actually wearing.”  
“Sorry.”  
“Especially not if it’s something sexy.”   
“There is nothing sexy about this ratty old housecoat, trust me.”  
“I think I need proof that this is not some sort of sexy robe.”  
“What?”  
“Pics or it didn’t happen.”  
“Oh shut up.”  
“Seriously. You need to prove to me how hideous this robe is or I’m going to keep picturing it as something sexy and it’s not fair.”  
What the fuck? Was he…? No, he couldn’t be… He wasn’t…flirting with her…was he?  
No, this had to be a joke. But, she wondered, should she send him a photo anyway just to call his bluff? He’d never expect that.  
Maybe it was due to the bottle of wine that Chloe had suggested they open that night, but Rae got up and opened her closet door, which had a mirror on the inside. She tightened her housecoat around her waist to make sure it didn’t slip open and flipped the bird as she took the photo of herself.  
Her hand trembled as she poised her thumb over the Send button. She felt crazy for doing it, but she couldn’t resist the chance to definitely one-up Finn like this.  
“Fuck you,” he responded a minute later.  
“What?”  
“It’s worse than I thought.”  
“I told you it’s bad.”  
“That’s not what I meant.”  
“IDGI then.”  
“Yeah, the robe is ugly, but fuckin hell man.”  
Rae was confused, to say the least.   
“You can’t send me half-naked photos of yourself,” he added. “It’s not fair.”  
“You asked for it!”  
“Cause I thought it would be less sexy than what I was picturing in my head but it wasn’t!”  
Her heart was pounding in her ears. She must have misread that. Maybe the tone was missing. Sarcasm, that was it.   
“Ha ha, very funny,” she replied.  
“Fuck you, Rae. I can’t unsee this.”  
“I’m sorry for offending your retinas.” She knew her body was probably gross to most people, but she didn’t think it was quite so horrifying to warrant this reaction.  
She set down her phone, plaited her wet hair, and changed into her pyjamas before getting into bed for the night. Her phone buzzed a few times.  
Finn: “I’m not offended I’m just”  
Finn: “You really don’t get it do you?”  
Finn: “You have no idea how much I hate this robe.”  
“Well, I took it off anyway,” Rae finally replied.  
“DON’T FUCKING TELL ME THAT” (He must have been drinking tonight, too, because he only used allcaps when he was drinking…) “IF YOU ARE TELLING ME YOU ARE NAKED I SWEAR TO GOD”  
“I’m in my PJs calm down.”  
“They aren’t sexy PJs are they?”  
“WTF are sexy PJs?”  
“Like lacy or whatever.”  
“Ew no.”  
He didn’t respond for a few minutes so she set down her phone and tried to get to sleep.  
Buzz. “What are you wearing?”  
***  
Rae and Chloe met up with the others at Chop and Izzy’s place for another night of tearing up floorboards to terrible techno. Archie and Finn were surprisingly already there when they arrived.  
“Rae!” said Archie when he saw her, giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He’d clearly already had a couple drinks before they got there.  
She turned her attention to Finn. “Hey.”  
“Hey,” he said with a nod and half a smile. Wow. He must have had a couple as well because he was positively chatty.  
Rae had a rum and coke because she needed the caffeine if she was going to do anything tonight. She was so tired from working on school stuff, but she didn’t want to miss a chance to hang out with everyone.  
As for the weird conversation she’d had with Finn a couple nights ago, she decided to chalk that up to both of them being a little inebriated. He would never have asked for her to send him a picture if he was sober and she would never have sent it if she was. Probably.  
Still she felt like maybe she should apologize. Clearly it bothered him, but they hadn’t brought it up since it happened. She just didn’t know what to say.  
Well, here’s your chance, she thought as Finn took a seat across from her on the bus. Just say sorry for making things weird.  
“Sorry,” he grumbled before she had the chance.  
“What have you got to be sorry for?” she asked, hoping none of the others were paying attention.  
“I made things weird,” he said in a low voice, leaning forward so only she could hear.  
“Nah,” she lied.  
“I shouldn’t have said… Ugh.” He pulled out his phone and started typing.  
Rae’s phone buzzed in her pocket.  
“I want us to be friends,” he’d written. “So I’m sorry for calling you sexy.”  
“Yeah, that was kind of mean,” she wrote back.  
He looked at her and frowned. “How was it mean?” he said quietly. “I just thought it made you uncomfortable.”  
“I just meant it’s not a very funny joke,” she whispered.  
“It wasn’t—I mean, I wasn’t—“ he stammered, looking down at his hands. “Sorry.”  
They fell into silence.  
“Alright,” said Chop from across the aisle, noticing that the pair looked uneasy. “Who walked in on who naked?”  
“What? Nobody! We didn’t—“ Rae began, flustered.  
“Chill out, I were only jokin’.”  
“Oh, we’re almost there!” said Izzy, pushing the button to request the next stop.  
They got to the club later than last time so it was already busier. Rae felt overheated as soon as she walked in, but she still refused to take off her hoodie. She didn’t really feel like dancing tonight, but the others dragged her out onto the floor.  
“Hey, Archie,” said Finn, gesturing his head towards the bar. “Isn’t that the guy you fancy? The one from your Medieval History class?”  
Archie looked over. “Shit,” he said. “He’s looking over here. What should I do?”  
“Talk to him?” Chloe suggested.  
“I can’t just go up and talk to him,” Archie hissed. “I don’t even know if he’s…interested.”  
“Don’t you have gaydar or something?” Rae asked.  
Archie cast her a glance of distaste. “I need a test. Is he still looking this way?”  
Chloe looked past Archie’s shoulder. “Yeah. So he might be interested.”  
“Or he could be interested in you,” Archie pointed out. “Finn, come here.” He seized Finn’s arm and drew him closer.   
“You girls need to keep an eye out to see if he’s still watching,” he added to Rae and Chloe.  
Rae’s jaw nearly dropped to the floor when he put Finn’s arms around his waist and started grinding against him. The weirdest part was that Finn was joining in like he’d done this a bunch of times before and it was no big deal.  
“So?” Archie said as he danced. “What’s he doing?”  
Rae and Chloe looked over at the guy by the bar.  
“He’s still watching,” said Chloe. “But he, like, keeps trying not to look and then looks anyway.”  
Archie smirked.  
“Alright, but how do you know he’s not interested in Finn?” said Rae.  
Finn lowered his head awkwardly.  
“Doesn’t matter,” Archie replied. “As long as he’s gay I have a shot.”  
“Your logic is impeccable, Arch.”  
“Well,” he said, pushing himself away from Finn. “I think I’m going to go get a drink. Laters.”  
“I feel so used,” Finn called back to him jokingly.  
“Does he do that often?” said Rae.  
“Oh, you have no idea,” said Chloe. “The number of times those two have made out just to get another guy’s attention…”  
(Rae didn’t need to know that. She really did not need that mental image. Nope, nope, nope. That was too much. Gah.)   
“Here,” Chloe said to Finn, putting her arms around his neck. “To make sure he knows he can’t have you.” She started swaying against him.  
Rae felt jealousy rising like bile in her throat. She didn’t like the way they so easily went together. She would never be like that and she knew it.  
“I’ll be right back,” she said to them, and headed for the toilets.  
She stood in the stall for a few minutes to collect her thoughts. She couldn’t believe she’d ever even considered that he could ever possibly be flirting with her ever. He so obviously went with people like Chloe. Girls who were thin and pretty and flirty and confident. Not blobs like her.  
Her phone buzzed.  
“What are you wearing? Get back out here.”


	6. Chapter 6

Rae was a fucking idiot.  
She stared at her phone for a few minutes before leaving the restroom and rejoining her friends on the dance floor.  
Archie was still at the bar chatting up that guy—it looked like it was going well—and Chloe had stopped close-dancing with Finn and they were dancing in a group with Chop and Izzy.  
“Rae, are you alright?” asked Chloe.  
Rae shrugged. “Yeah.”  
“You just ran off so quickly, I thought you were ill, maybe.”  
“No, I’m fine.”  
“Are you sure?” said Finn. “You look hot.” His eyelids flared open and he quickly added, “Like, overheated.”  
“It is warm in here. You should take off your hoodie, Rae,” Chloe said with concern.  
“And do what, hold it all night?” Rae replied.  
“Tie it around your waist.”  
“That’ll just make my hips look even bigger,” Rae said quietly.  
“Rae,” said Finn, appearing next to her all of a sudden. “You’re a fucking idiot it you think anyone cares about that.”  
Her cheeks flushed even more. She hadn’t realized he’d overheard her.   
She felt like everyone was watching her as she slipped her hoodie off her shoulders, baring her arms in a t-shirt. She noticed Finn eyeing her and wasn’t sure if it was a look of disgust or what. Self-consciously, she tied it around her waist and folded her arms across her stomach.  
Chloe held onto Rae’s hands and got her to open her arms, pulling on one and then the other to get her dancing. “Have fun,” she said.  
Rae smiled and gave into it. Alright, she was going to have a good time. She bounced and swayed with Chloe, who pulled her nearer. Chloe put her hands on Rae’s shoulders and they laughed.  
“Come on, Iz,” said Chloe, motioning with her head.  
Izzy came over, putting her hands on Chloe’s waist, and danced behind her.  
“Nice,” said Chop, nodding. He came up behind Izzy and put his hands on her hips as she swayed.  
Rae kept laughing while she danced until she felt something on her own hips. She looked over her shoulder and saw Finn, who raised his eyebrows at her and shrugged like, “I guess this is happening now.”  
What. The. Fuck?  
There was no precedent for this, no procedure for what she should do when a boy was touching her hips and dancing against her. She would have been in panic mode if it hadn’t been for the rum dulling her panic sensors.  
“Well, I feel included,” said Archie when he approached them.  
Chloe took one of her hands off Rae and reached out to him. “Get in, then.”  
He took her hand and she yanked him into the middle of the lineup, putting her arms around his waist. Rae held onto the back of his shoulders and everyone laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation.  
Chloe must have said something to him, because Rae heard him respond, “Yeah, I got his number.”  
“What’d he say?” Finn asked Rae, leaning into her.  
She could feel his breath on her ear and she shivered a little. She turned her head to answer him. “He got the guy’s number.”  
Her face had never been so close to his before. None of her had ever been this close to him. Fuck, he smelled good, even though he was all sweaty. (Perhaps especially because he was all sweaty.)   
Just enjoy your fucking life, she thought to herself as she danced, sandwiched between two super cute boys. How often does this happen?   
***  
They had their usual post-clubbing debrief the next morning, this time at an American theme diner, complete with tacky retro decor.  
The six of them were squeezed into a booth. Rae sat across from Finn, though he didn’t even look at her. He was studying the menu like he was going to be quizzed on it. He was so distracted he didn’t even notice when the server came to take their food order.  
Chop tried to kick him under the table but wound up kicking Rae by mistake.  
“Sorry,” he said. “I was aiming for him.”  
The disruption caught Finn’s attention enough for him to notice himself and place his order. Rae kicked Chop back once the server had walked away.  
“Oi!”  
“Serves you right,” Finn snorted, taking a sip of his coffee which he spilled on himself when Chop finally managed to kick him. “Shit! This is my favourite shirt, too,” he said.  
“Look, I’ll buy you a new fucking grey t-shirt,” said Chop.  
Rae handed Finn her napkin so he could mop some of it up. “You know,” she said, “you could just spill some red wine and mustard on it and call it abstract art.”  
He glanced at her with a hint of a smile in his eyes before he continued wiping up the spill on the table.  
“Alright, guys,” said Archie. “We need to get as many people to come to the show on Thursday as we can.”  
“Why?” asked Izzy, stirring milk into her tea.  
“I invited that guy from my class and I want it to seem like we have fans,” he said.  
“Rae and I’ll be there,” Chloe said, giving Rae a nudge. “Right?”  
“Yeah, but tell everyone you know, also,” said Archie.  
“This is everyone I know,” said Rae.  
“Then make some new friends!”  
“Alright, calm down,” said Chloe. “I’ll see what I can do.”  
***  
If Rae was going to be out all night at a show on Thursday, she had to buckle down in the morning and get some studying done. She was so behind on her readings and had a paper due the next week. She went to the library where there were fewer distractions than at home. (*cough*Netflix*cough*)  
After picking up her coffee, she went to look for a seat at a table where she wouldn’t be able to look out the window, but where there was enough natural light to read comfortably.  
After carefully selecting her spot, she sat down and took a sip of her coffee. The lid wasn’t quite on tightly, however, and she spilled some down the front of her shirt. Bollocks.  
She found some tissues at the bottom of her bag and tried to blot out the spill but it was already stained. She hated her life sometimes. Though it gave her an idea.  
She took a photo of the stain and sent it to Finn. “Now we match,” she wrote.  
Her slight amusement was enough to calm her down, so she put on her scarf, secured the lid on her coffee, and opened her books.  
Her phone buzzed a couple minutes later.  
“Are you flirting with me?” Finn texted.  
Her face felt hot. “Lolwut,” she replied.  
“Why are you sending me a photo of your tits?”  
“I was showing you the coffee stain on my shirt, you knobhead! Like yours.”  
“A likely story.”  
She decided to ignore him; she really had to get to work. She managed to read for a few minutes before her phone buzzed two more times.  
“I took your advice,” he wrote, and then sent a picture of himself in his coffee-stained shirt, which now had a huge red wine spill on it that he’d obviously just dumped on himself. She could see the outlines of his muscles where the material clung to him in wet patches. Fucking hell.  
“Are you flirting with me?” she wrote back as a joke.  
“Of course I am.”  
Her throat went dry.  
“I’m drunk on red wine,” he added.  
Oh. He was kidding. “It’s a little early for that, isn’t it?” she asked.  
“Hey it’s noon somewhere.”  
She chuckled wearily to herself and set down her phone, pulling out a highlighter.  
Buzz. “What are you wearing?”  
***  
Chloe and the band appeared to have done a good job of getting the word out, because their show was packed. Rae had never seen so many people at one of their events before, though she suspected most of them were there for the headlining act.  
She and Chloe pushed their way to the front of the crowd so they could take photos for the band’s website.  
“Luck,” she texted to Finn before they went on.  
The girls cheered as the band made their way onto the platform and got set up. They played their first few songs and Archie kept looking over to the left of the stage area where Rae presumed his new friend was standing.  
“We’ve got a special treat for you this evening,” Archie said between songs. “We don’t normally do covers, but Finn over here insisted.”  
They started to play “Wonderwall” and Rae and Chloe laughed. Then Finn stepped up to the microphone.  
“Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you,” he sang.  
Rae was gobsmacked. He actually sounded really good, like he’d been practicing. Plus she couldn’t shake the feeling that he was singing it for her…  
Wishful thinking, obviously.  
But she couldn’t take her eyes off him, even when he glanced at her and their eyes met—when she would normally look away quickly.  
He didn’t look at her much, though. One or two glances as his eyes darted around the room and back down to his guitar. He mostly kept his eyes shut while he was singing. (Which, Rae thought, was incredibly sexy.)  
(It was also adorable when Archie joined him on the chorus and they had to share the microphone. Those boys had literally no sense of physical boundaries between them and it was hilarious.)  
The audience cheered once they’d finished and Finn stepped back sheepishly from the microphone. He lifted his head and looked directly at Rae for a moment, flashing a shy smile, before looking back down.  
Oh dear. Rae was a fucking idiot.


	7. Chapter 7

There was no way that Finn actually liked Rae.  
Not more than a friend, anyway. Right?  
Okay, sometimes his texts got a little flirty with her, but they were only goofing around. True, he did grind up on her that one time when they were out dancing, but they were all doing that. And, yeah, he did sing her favourite Oasis song—twice—but he didn’t even know that was her favourite. It was just a coincidence.  
So she shouldn’t read too much into this text: “Rae Rae. Do you wanna grab a drink with me tonight?”  
Sure, it sounded like it would just be the two of them, but that’s what she had thought he meant by “we should celebrate,” and look how that turned out. Even if it was just the two of them, that didn’t mean anything. They were talking more than ever now, even sometimes in person. They were just becoming friends, right?  
“Where’re you off to?” Chloe asked her, as she was about to leave the flat.  
“Just going out for a drink,” Rae replied.  
“Who with?”  
“Just Finn, I think,” Rae said as casually as she could. She didn’t want to be rude though. “D’you wanna come?” (Please say no.)  
Chloe shook her head. “I think I’m coming down with a flu or something. Have fun, though.”  
“Alright, feel better.”  
She wondered if she should have offered to stay and make sure Chloe was okay, but Finn was waiting for her. She was already running late.  
In fact, he was now halfway through his first pint when she showed up.  
She sat down across from him awkwardly. They’d never hung out just the two of them before and she suddenly realized how weird it was. “Hey,” she said quietly.  
“Hey,” he replied with a nod.  
“I’m just gonna go get a drink,” she said after a minute.  
She looked back at their table and watched him while she waited at the bar for her drink. He was all hunched over and looked nervous. Maybe this was a bad idea. They were clearly both too socially awkward to function together.  
She sat back down across from him, the silence broken only by the sound of her setting her glass on the table. She thought she could even hear Finn’s completely anachronistic watch ticking on his wrist.  
“What did you think of the show last night?” he finally said without looking at her.  
“It was great,” she said, nodding. She took a sip of her drink self-consciously. “I really liked the Oasis cover.”  
“Yeah?”   
“When Archie joined in on the choruses, your voices sounded really great together,” she added. “You should sing together more often.”  
“I’m not really a singer,” he said shyly.  
“Whatever, you were good.”  
They sipped tentatively at their drinks, each waiting for the other to say something.  
Finn’s phone went off—or maybe he was just pretending that it did—and he pulled it out of his pocket.   
“Archie’s apparently out with that guy,” he said, looking down at his phone.  
“That’s cool, I guess,” said Rae, her lips poised over her glass.  
“If you wanted we could go back to my flat and watch Netflix or summat when we’re done here.”  
“Are you asking me to Netflix and chill?” she said.  
He looked panicked. “What? No! I just meant—“  
“I was joking.”  
He leaned forward on his elbows and massaged his temples. “Sorry, I just didn’t want you to think—I’m not like that, alright?”  
“Yeah, I get it,” she said. “I didn’t actually think you’d be inviting me for that.” No one would ever be inviting her for that.  
***  
They caught the bus after finishing their drinks. Rae figured it might be less awkward hanging out just the two of them if they had something to watch as a distraction.  
Finn sat right next to her on the bus, which made her extremely aware of the fact that her hips were wider than her bus seat and she was spilling over into his. She clenched her knees together and pulled in her shoulders to try and make herself as small as possible. It didn’t stop her upper arm and thigh from touching his, though.  
She could feel the warmth radiating from him against the side of her body and she wished that she could be enveloped in it. He lifted his arm and started to put it around her and she stopped breathing. Was he actually going to—?  
He pulled the cord behind her head to request the next stop. She exhaled.  
She followed him off the bus and down the few blocks to his flat. She’d never been there before. She paused self-consciously in the doorway.  
The place was smaller than she was expecting—definitely smaller than her and Chloe’s place. The living room sofa looked more like a loveseat. She figured Archie and Finn must get pretty cozy with each other, and then tried to shake the thought out of her head.  
“Is something wrong?” Finn asked as he waited for her to move.  
“Oh, no, I was just…” she began. “It’s a nice place.” She took a few steps in so he could shut the door behind her.  
“Have a seat,” he said, going to the fridge and getting a couple cans of beer.  
She sat down and he handed one to her and set the other on this rolling cube of a coffee table from IKEA. He ducked into another room and came back out with a laptop, which he set on the table as well.  
They binge-watched several episodes of _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ and drank a bit more.  
“I love the Halloween episode,” said Rae, laughing.  
“I think the one from the second series is better, though,” said Finn.  
“Yeah, true.”  
He tipped back his beer can to get the last few drops out. “D’you want another?” he asked as he stood up.  
“I’m still working on this one, thanks,” she said.  
He went to get another for himself and sat back down, though this time he seemed closer than before. She gave him a small nudge with her elbow and he smirked and nudged her back.  
His hand bumped her arm and he drew his knuckle along it before pulling away suddenly. “This was a bad idea,” he said, setting down his beer on the table.  
“What was?” Rae asked.  
“This. Us. Here. Drinking.”  
She cradled her beer can in her hands. “I’m sorry, then…?”  
“I shouldn’t drink around you, it makes me feel…stupid.” He leaned forward and rubbed his face with his hands. “I just thought… Ugh.”  
She tried to shrink away from him as best she could. She was clearly making him uncomfortable by being there but she didn’t know why.  
“You make me nervous, Rae,” he finally said, turning to look at her.  
“How come?” Her forehead was creased with concern.  
“You’re, like, really cool, and I just feel like such a dork.”  
“Hah, yeah right.”  
“I have to drink to even get up the nerve to talk to ya, but then I take it too far.” He scratched the back of his head tensely.  
“What’s too far?” She tried to discreetly touch the side of her face to tell if she was flaring up. (Yep. Burning.)  
“You know, asking you to send me sexy photos, for starters.” He covered his face again. “And the way I danced up on you the other day—Jesus Christ. It’s just you were there, dancing”—he gestured with his hands—“and your jumper was tied around your waist, accentuating your hips, right? And, like, ugh, I’m just gross. I’m sorry.”  
“What are you…saying?”  
“Just that when I drink it’s easier to talk to you, yeah? But it’s hard to be…platonic around you.”  
“Are you making fun of me right now?”  
He looked at her again. “What? No.”  
“Alright.” She leaned forward to set her beer on the table. “So you’re saying that you’re kind of into me if you’re drunk enough? That’s flattering.” She rolled her eyes.  
“No, you don’t get it.” He pressed his fingers into his scalp. “Being drunk just makes me want to act on the feelings that are already there!”  
“What feelings?”  
“Ugh, inappropriate ones.”  
“What, like—"  
“I like ya in a romantical sort of way, alright?”  
Rae looked around the room to make sure there weren’t hidden cameras and this wasn’t some sort of prank show.  
“And I know we’re just friends,” he continued. “And I like being your friend, and I don’t want to make that weird, but I can’t seem to find that happy medium between not being able to talk to ya and wanting to just tear your fucking Oasis t-shirt right off.”  
They sat awkwardly in silence for a few moments.  
“Finn,” Rae said quietly. “I’m okay if you want to make it weird.”  
There was no way that Finn actually liked Rae. Except that maybe he did.


	8. Chapter 8

Finn Nelson was practically perfect.  
It was as though his body were sculpted from marble; he was like a demi-god. Even his semi-slobbery drunken kissing was just about the greatest thing Rae had ever experienced.  
Alright, so this wasn’t what she was expecting when she left her flat this evening. She could hardly believe it but she was inebriated enough not to question it. She was making out with Finn-fucking-Nelson. What the hell?  
Her phone buzzed in her pocket. She pushed Finn away slightly and looked at him. Who else ever texted her besides him?  
She checked her phone. “Where are you?” Chloe had written.  
“Oh, shit, it’s late,” Rae said out loud when she noticed the time. “If I don’t leave now I’ll miss the last bus!”  
Finn’s brow was furrowed in distress, but he conceded that she was right.   
He walked her all the way to the stop just as the bus arrived. They didn’t say anything before she boarded, but she gave him a small wave from the window and he half-smiled back.  
She leaned her head against the window for the rest of the ride home. She almost missed her stop, she was so distracted.  
Chloe was already in bed by the time Rae got in, but she’d texted her to let her know she was on her way home beforehand.  
Rae changed into her pyjamas and crawled into bed. She tossed and turned trying to get to sleep despite being exceptionally tired. She just couldn’t get her brain to shut up.  
Everything that happened felt like a weird dream, but she was pretty sure it was real. What did it mean, though? Were they, like, a thing now? Or was it just a drunken tryst? A one-time event? Was it never to repeat, or was it to be continued?  
She closed her eyes and remembered his tongue in her mouth and she smiled. At least she’d always have that.  
***  
“You were out late,” Chloe said when Rae finally woke up and came into the kitchen.  
“Yeah,” said Rae, filling the kettle. “Are you feeling any better?”  
“A little, thanks,” Chloe replied. She swirled the tea in her mug. “But why were you out so late last night?”  
“Oh, you know.”  
“Clearly I don’t. I thought you just went to grab a drink with Finn.”  
“I did,” said Rae as she pulled some tea out of the cupboard. “We just hung out for a while.”  
“Ah.” Chloe tapped the side of her mug with her fingertips. “You know he and I had a thing, right?”  
Rae slammed a mug down on the counter. “What?”  
“It was last year. We had a few drinks and fooled around a bit.”  
“Why are you telling me this?”  
Chloe shrugged. “Just in case you’d sensed any weirdness between me and him. We said we weren’t going to let it get weird, but there’s always going to be something there, y’know?”  
“Yeah,” said Rae. “Sure.”  
“I mean, we never dated, exactly, but it was always sort of a possibility, yeah? I guess that doesn’t just disappear.”  
“But you’re seeing someone else now, right?”  
Chloe swayed her head. “Sort of.”  
Rae couldn’t help but feel that Chloe was posturing; trying to make sure Rae realized that Chloe could have anyone she wanted, and anyone Rae wanted as well.  
Rae poured boiling water into her mug over the teabag. “Alright, well, feel better,” she said bitterly as she took her tea back to her bedroom.  
She noticed a light flashing on her phone indicating that she’d missed a text message. It was from Finn. She didn’t really feel like talking to him though. Not now that she’d found out he had a habit of getting drunk and making out with girls…  
No, it wasn’t even just that he made out with girls, it was that he’d made out with Chloe—or “fooled around a bit,” whatever that meant.  
Rae felt so stupid for believing him. She couldn’t help but feel like a placeholder, the consolation prize. He had to be drunk in order to even kiss her, for fuck’s sake! That doesn’t sound like he was really into her, now does it?  
“Are you there?” he texted after a few minutes.  
“What do you want?”  
“I was just saying hi.”  
“Hi.”  
“What are you doing today?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Do you want to hang out?”  
“I’m busy.”  
“You said you were doing nothing.”  
“And I’m really busy with that.”  
“Is something wrong?”  
Rae didn’t reply to him. She couldn’t. She couldn’t tell him what was bothering her but she also couldn’t pretend that there was nothing.  
He texted her a few more times and then stopped. He must’ve taken the hint.  
***  
As much as Rae would have liked to mope around all day, she still had a ton of studying to catch up on, and there was no way she was getting it done in her room.  
She packed up her things and went to the campus library where she bought a coffee and found a seat with the perfect lighting. It wasn’t too busy on a Saturday morning.  
She’d gotten through two of the five readings she needed to have done by Monday when she felt someone approach her table. She looked up and saw Finn standing there, seeming distraught.  
“Can I sit down?” he asked.  
“Uh, sure?” she said uncertainly. “Did you… How did you know I’d be here?”  
“I went by your flat,” he said as he sat down. “Chloe said you were here, so…”  
“So.”  
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Did I upset you or something? Was it last night? I know I shouldn’t have—"  
“It’s not that,” said Rae, pinching the bridge of her nose. She sighed. “It’s Chloe.”  
“She’s done something to upset you?”  
“No, it’s you and Chloe.”  
He looked confused. “Me and Chloe?”  
“She told me about the two of you…”  
He still didn’t get it.  
“She said you two ‘fooled around a little bit,’ whatever that means—you can spare me the details.”  
He looked down at the table and rubbed the back of his neck. “That were just…stupid—I mean, I barely even knew her at the time and we’d been drinking—"  
“Just like you and I were drinking?”  
His eyes shot up at her. “That was different. You and me, we—"  
“She said the two of you would always have something between you…”  
“That’s bullshit! I don’t know why she’s tellin’ ya that, but it’s not true.”  
“I’m not interested in killing time with you while you wait for her, alright?” She clenched her eyes shut tight. She was not going to cry in front of him.  
“Rae,” he said, reaching across the table and touching her on the arm. “I’ve got no interest in her, and I never have. And I don’t wanna kill time with you; I wanna spend time with you.”  
She shook her head. “Why would you wanna do that?”  
“I like you, Rae.”  
She scoffed.  
“Look, I like talkin’ to ya,” he added. “And I don’t like talkin’ to anybody.”  
“You realize this is the longest conversation we’ve properly had, right?”  
He smiled. “Isn’t it fun?”  
She pursed her lips to keep from smiling back. They exchanged glances for a few moments and it became harder not to smile at his stupidly endearing face. She couldn’t help but believe him.  
“I have a secret,” he said, leaning forward on the table. “Come closer.”  
She leaned forward as well and he looked around to make sure no one was paying attention. He lifted himself out of his seat so he could kiss her and then sat back down again.  
She glanced around the library but nobody near them seemed to have noticed. “That’s your secret?”  
“Don’t tell anyone.” He smiled again. “I’m just kidding, tell everyone, I don’t care.”  
Rae looked at Finn like he was completely ridiculous.  
“So can I hang out with you today?” he asked.  
She looked down at the books spread out on the table. “I really have a lot of reading to do…”  
“I’ll read with you.” He picked up one of the books it didn’t seem like she was using at the time and flipped it open. “Intro to Gender Studies. Fascinating.”  
“Alright, give that back.” She reached over and grabbed it from him. “How about you let me read in peace and I’ll hang out with you once I’m done?”  
“Text me when you’re done and I’ll meet you, then,” he said, standing up. He leaned over the table and kissed her again without even bothering to check if people were watching.  
 _Oh yeah_ , she thought as she watched him walk away… _He’s practically perfect_.


	9. Chapter 9

Rae had a boyfriend.  
She’d never had a boyfriend before. She’d had some friends who were boys, but never a boyfriend.  
It was all a strange new experience for her. Going out to eat and holding hands and kissing—oh, the kissing. It was even better when they weren’t drunk.   
Their whole group dynamic changed, too. Now when the gang hung out, there was Chop and Izzy together, and Rae and Finn together, and Chloe and Archie just kind of there too.  
“This is both disgusting and depressing,” Archie said when both couples were kissing at the pub.  
“Maybe you and I should kiss, then,” Chloe suggested jokingly, raising her eyebrows.  
Archie laughed.  
“What’s the deal with you and your new friend, anyway?” Chloe asked. “When are we going to meet him?”  
“Hm, what day is it? Wednesday? Let’s see… Um… Never.”  
“Are you even gonna tell us his name?” asked Rae.  
“No,” said Archie. “You’ll make fun of it.”  
“Why would we make fun of his name?” said Finn.  
“It’s really…old-fashioned.”  
“Alright, Archibald…”  
Archie sighed. “It’s Frank.”  
“Oh, my granddad’s name was Frank!” said Izzy.  
“Yeah, exactly.”  
“It’s not that weird,” said Rae.  
“Still, I don’t want you guys to meet him.”  
“Why not?”  
“You’ll scare him away or something.”  
“How would we scare him away?” said Chop, scowling.  
“He’s just—He’s shy,” said Archie.  
“Fine,” said Chloe. “But you’re inviting us all to the wedding.”  
He flashed her a sarcastic smile.  
“Alright, so,” said Chop, clapping his hands together. “What’s the plan for this weekend?”  
***  
Chop had hoped to do something as a group on the weekend, but Archie and Chloe both had dates with their mystery men, so Finn and Rae took the opportunity for some much needed alone time.  
Finn had never been to Rae’s flat before—well, he had, just never when she was there. She found it strange, especially that he walked in like he knew where everything was. For instance, he went straight into the kitchen and put the kettle on.  
“I thought I was supposed to offer to do that since this is my flat,” she said, poking him in the side.  
“I just thought I’d be nice,” he said as he pulled two mugs out of the cupboard. He set them on the counter and slipped his arms around her waist, drawing her nearer.  
She rested her hands on his arms, feeling the curve of his biceps with her fingertips. She couldn’t help but think of herself as a ball of flab compared to him. But she looked at him and he was biting his lip as he squeezed her closer. He liked her flab, apparently.  
She tilted her head slightly to invite him to kiss her. And boy did he ever. His tongue was all up in there and his hands were grabbing her arse before she even knew what hit her. The whistling of the kettle seemed only to spurn him on. (It made it sound like he was steam-powered or something.)   
She heard the kettle go quiet just before it clicked. “Uh, Finn,” she said, her lips still against his. “The tea…”  
He pulled his head back and looked confused for a second before he realized what she meant. “Right,” he said before letting her go and pouring the water into their tea mugs.  
“So,” said Rae as she leaned against the counter, waiting for the tea to steep. “What did we want to do tonight?”  
Finn shrugged. “Anything you want to do is fine.”  
“More Netflix?” she suggested hesitantly. She was afraid he’d think she was boring just wanting to drink tea and watch Netflix all night, but she didn’t really feel like going out.  
“Sure.”  
They fixed their tea the way they liked—milk and sugar for Finn, just milk for Rae—and set up shop in the living room. She got her laptop from her bedroom and set it on the coffee table, also from IKEA.  
They continued watching _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ for a bit, but she found it difficult to concentrate on the show with his arm around her, making her all warm. They were sitting even closer together than on the loveseat, and this sofa was much bigger. He had practically a meter of space he could move over. (Not that that’s what she wanted him to do.) (She was just noticing, was all.)  
“Y’alright?” he asked her when he realized she wasn’t watching the screen anymore.  
“Oh, yeah, just tired,” she replied.  
He reached towards the computer to pause the show. “I should probably get going then.”  
“I guess.” She knew it was true but didn’t want to say goodbye yet.  
He leaned against the back of the sofa and tucked her hair behind her ear. She closed her eyes and let his hand brush the side of her face. No, she didn’t want to say goodbye yet…  
She opened her eyes to see that his face was right in front of hers, and he kissed her before drawing his head back.  
“So, I guess I’ll—“ he started to say, but Rae grabbed a fistful of his shirt material and pulled him closer. She pushed her lips into his, interrupting him.   
It seemed like Finn was trying to keep his hands off of her, but she tugged more on his shirt and he lurched into her, bracing himself with his hand on her leg. “Sorry,” he muttered, barely removing his mouth from hers.  
“Shh!” She held onto the back of his head to keep him from escaping.  
He squeezed her upper thigh and stroked the inside of her leg with his thumb. Her “a boy is touching me” alarm went off in her head. Part of her wanted to run away screaming, but part of her just wanted him to move his hand up a few inches…  
Things were escalating quickly and she wasn’t really sure what to do. She didn’t think she wanted to go down this road already, but she was finding it difficult to stop.  
Luckily she didn’t have to make a decision.  
“Oh, sorry, guys,” said Chloe when she walked in.  
Rae hadn’t heard the door open so she practically jumped. “It’s not what it looks like!”  
Chloe raised her eyebrows. “I’m not judging.”  
“I was just about to…” said Finn, nodding his head towards the door. He stood up. “I’ll see you both later,” he added without looking at either of them.  
Chloe took a seat at the other end of the sofa when he left. “So you guys are really…”  
“Really what?” Rae asked, annoyed.  
“It’s just, I hadn’t even realized you were into him before, is all.”  
“Yes, you did.”  
“Alright, maybe I didn’t realize he was into you, then.”  
“Why? Because I’m fat?”  
Chloe gave her an exasperated look. “I didn’t mean anything by it.” She looked away and flipped her hair over her shoulder. “It makes sense, though. You like the same music. And you have the same weird sense of humour.”  
“Thanks, I guess.” Rae didn’t think her sense of humour was that weird, but alright. “How was your date?”  
Chloe shrugged. “It was fine.”  
“That’s it?”  
“Clearly not as good as yours.”  
Rae fiddled with her hair self-consciously.  
“Look, I’m happy for you two, honestly,” Chloe added. “And I’m sorry I told you that stuff about me and Finn… I just didn’t want you to get your hopes up, but apparently I was wrong.”  
“Apparently.”  
“Anyway, I’m sorry for interrupting tonight.”  
“You didn’t interrupt anything, we were just saying goodnight.”  
“Thoroughly.”  
Rae smiled reluctantly. “Shut up.”  
They exchanged glances and started laughing.  
It may have been difficult to believe, but Rae legit had a boyfriend.


	10. Chapter 10

Rae was happy.  
Sure, she still struggled with negative thoughts—those didn’t just disappear—but it was a lot easier to ignore them with Finn around. He was like a bulletproof vest; he wouldn’t keep her from getting shot, but he’d keep her from getting killed by it.  
He’d always greet her by saying, “Hey girl,” which made her smile for two reasons: one, it made her think of the Ryan Gosling meme, and two, he was completely oblivious to this.  
They saw each other nearly every day. They would meet up on campus on days they both had classes and meet up off campus on days they didn’t. And, alright, maybe sometimes on days they did as well…  
Rae was supposed to have left for her Psychology class already, but she was a little distracted. See, she and Finn were lying in her bed, you know, kissing and the like, and his hand was in her pants for the first time. (Not bad for a Tuesday afternoon.)  
The panicky “a boy is touching me” alarm in her head had been replaced by a “fuck yes, a boy is touching me” soundtrack. He was making circles with his fingertips and she had to bite her lip to keep from crying out.  
Not that there was anyone around to hear her. Chloe was in class at the time. (As Rae should have been.)  
Rae told Finn to slow down so she could savour the experience a little longer, but that only made the tension build more intensely. For fuck’s sake, he was some sort of sex wizard!  
She bit down hard on her lip as her body released. He smiled at her and she felt embarrassed.  
“Sorry,” she said, covering her face with her hands.  
“Why are you sorry?”  
“I don’t know.” She laughed nervously.  
Rae’s phone had fallen out of her pocket and buzzed on the bed next to her. There was a message from Chloe asking where she was.  
“Shit,” she muttered.  
“What is it?” Finn asked.  
“I forgot about my class.”  
“Skip it.”  
She gave him a skeptical look. “I didn’t think you’d be one to encourage me to skip class.”  
“Well, you can go if you want…” He gave her those puppy-dog eyes pleading her not to go.  
“Well, I’m already late…” she said, looking at her phone. “And I hate showing up late, because everyone looks at you when you walk in, so…”   
He smiled. “So.”  
“So.”  
“What now?”  
She smiled back.  
***  
“Where’ve you been?” Chloe asked when she got back from class and knocked on Rae’s bedroom door.  
“Oh, I’ve just been here,” Rae said. “I had a bit of a migraine so I didn’t feel up to going to school today, alright?”  
“Sorry to hear that.”  
“It’s fine.”  
“Well, you can check out my notes if you want.” Chloe swung her bag off her shoulder and pulled out a notebook.  
Rae reached out and took it from her. “Yeah, thanks.”  
“Are you feeling better, though?” said Chloe. “Only, the rest of us were going for a pizza, if you want to come.”  
“Yeah, I’m feeling better. Sure.” Rae waved the notebook in her hand. “I’ll just deal with this later, then.”  
Chloe smiled in a way such that Rae couldn’t tell if it was friendly or a little condescending.  
When they got to the pizza place, Archie and Chop were already seated at a table as Izzy brought over their pizza.  
“Where’s Finn?” Rae asked, taking a seat.  
“Last I heard from him he was going to see you,” Archie said with a frown.  
Chloe eyed her suspiciously.  
Rae shrugged. “I haven’t seen him all day,” she lied.  
“Hey, there’s no topping on this,” said Izzy when she set the pizza box on the table and opened it.  
“You opened the box upside down,” said Chop, smirking.  
Izzy laughed. “Oops.”  
“Great, now everything’s stuck to the top of the box,” Archie complained as he flipped it over.  
“You can just scrape it off.”  
“With what?”  
“Wait, so if Finn’s not with you and he’s not with me,” Rae cut in. “Then where is he?”  
She pulled out her phone to text him and asked where he was. The others continued arguing about the pizza but she got no response. She was starting to worry.  
Yes, Rae was happy. But Finn wasn’t around to act as her bulletproof vest right now, so the negative thoughts started firing at her.  
Why wasn’t he here? Where could he be? What if something bad happened to him? What if he was avoiding her? Was it because of what happened earlier this afternoon? What if he was done with her now?  
“Seriously, where are you???” she texted him.  
“Rae, are you alright?” asked Chloe when she noticed Rae seemed troubled.  
“What? Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” said Rae, looking up from her phone.  
“So, you girls are coming to the show on Thursday, right?” Chop asked them.  
“I didn’t even realize you had a show on Thursday,” said Rae.  
“We do, and it’s sort of a big deal because we’re headlining, yeah?”  
“Well, there’s only one other band performing,” Archie added.  
“Yeah, but they go on before us so that makes us the headliners.”  
“Sure, I’ll be there,” Rae replied, though she wondered why Finn hadn’t told her about it. Did he not want her there?  
***  
Rae didn’t hear anything from Finn until she was already back at her and Chloe’s flat.  
“Hey, sorry I missed you,” his message read.  
“Where the fuck were you?” she replied. “Why weren’t you answering me?”  
“I was in the library so I had my phone on silent.”  
“Just set it to vibrate like a normal person!”  
“Sorry. I will next time.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me about Thursday?” she asked, tapping her phone impatiently.  
“What about Thursday?”  
“You didn’t tell me you had a show. Let alone that you were headlining.”  
“Shit. Is that this Thursday?”  
“You didn’t remember?”  
“I’ve been a bit distracted lately.” Winky face emoji.  
Rae couldn’t help but crack a smile. “I see.”  
“So are you going to distract me tomorrow as well?”  
“I have class in the morning but I could see you after that.”  
“Okay.” Grinning emoji. “What are you wearing?”  
***  
“And all the roads that lead you there were winding,  
And all the lights that light the way are blinding,  
There are many things that I would like to say to you,  
But I don’t know how.”  
Rae loved that this song had become part of the band’s regular rotation, because she loved watching Finn sing, like he was trying so hard.  
You know how there are some people who are just so naturally talented at singing that their voices, while technically perfect, lack any feeling? With him you could feel the struggle of his vocal cords as he tried to hit each note correctly—luckily it was a fairly forgiving song. But Rae found him completely captivating.  
She could tell she wasn’t the only one. The amount of applause they received whenever they performed it was a testament to that. She could also tell based on the way that all the girls would push towards the platform. She didn’t feel the need to get in there herself the way she used to, so she and Chloe sat at a table off to the right and enjoyed the show from a bit of a distance.  
The band joined them after their set—well, all of them except Finn, who had been stopped on his way over by a couple of girls who Rae could tell were in their first year because they seemed to be trying way too hard.  
She couldn’t hear what they were saying, but it was clear that he was uncomfortable.  
“Who’re those girls talking to Finn?” she asked, giving Archie a nudge.  
He looked over his shoulder towards them. “Oh, they’re his ‘groupies.’ They come to every show and comment on our Facebook page all the time.” He looked back at Rae. “It’s kind of annoying, but I guess we shouldn’t complain about having fans, right?”  
Rae glanced back at Finn and caught his eye. He scratched the back of his head and gave her a “save me” look, so she got up and headed over.  
“Yeah, thanks,” she heard him say to the girls as she approached.   
“Hiya,” Rae said when she walked up to him.  
“Hey girl,” he said with a smile. He put his arm around her and gave her a squeeze. “Have you met, uh…?” He looked at the girls and blanked on their names.  
“Caitlin,” said one girl, folding her arms.  
“Gemma,” said the other, folding her arms as well.  
“Right,” he said. “Well, this is my girlfriend, Rae.”  
“Nice to meet you,” Rae said with an air of superiority.  
The girls seemed wholly unimpressed as they looked her up and down.  
“Yeah,” said the first girl.  
Rae knew what they were thinking: he must be mad, going out with that. But she smiled. Because at the end of the day, she was the one who was going to be making out with him, so they could suck on that.  
Yep, Rae was happy.


End file.
